July 5, 2017 Panic!

Run Chicken Little - West, East, Where?!
The sky is falling Chicken Little (not S Little), The sky is falling.

Actually, it's not. The sky is as blue as blue is - how do you describe blue to someone who's never seen the colour? Is that even possible? Blue as a state of being. Shades of blue. The very shade of blue - Big Blue that was on my walls in the old apartment. Goodness, that was quite the project. I think I may have to do something similar here.

So many things to be responsible for, so many balls to juggle - some more important than others, at least in the little circumscribed globe that is my little, little, little and oh-so privileged world. Today I started off feeling anxious, and the feeling has only grown despite having paid my property taxes, discharged the CX bill, paid my credit cards off, got my mortgage renewal in place before they went up, and am well on the way to finishing application #1.

Blue Skies fluttering
Then I started listening to George Michael - Songs of the Last Century - and I was gone. Lost. Lost in deep blue at 70 feet below the South China Sea heading out away from the land. Like swimming in blue velvet. Songs of the Last Century - reminds me of the Seattle Coffee House at the Merdeka Palace. I was still besotted with NP, the denoument not having denoued yet, and getting to know the Laksa club who even today are willing to drop anything to help out - as I am with them. True friends who understand the intricacies of living in Kuching. Can't, couldn't, don't want to do without them.

Death spiral (so much for SSDNA)
The overlying theme today is responsibility, mine to others. I need some time to myself and maybe that's what I will do on some unexpected day - rent a car, take the pooch out with me to some island or mountain and do what I will, by myself and do it for the sake of doing it as a challenge to myself. I'm not meeting the academic/work challenges ( or at the very least, finding it very difficult at the moment). The running isn't meeting my needs anymore than the pretend-yoga. Maybe it's more distraction from what is happening in mum's spinal cord. Maybe it's also to do with the great unknown of what happens, and more scary, how it happens - cos you have no control over the future. And oooh, what's that? It's the death spiral, that's what it is. Must. Stop. This line of thought.

And so we go...
Look, says the voice of reason in my head - not the ass-hole one - Pretty much everything is out of your control. Quick, some examples:

  • Work could dispense with your services
  • Water sprinklers could go off in the house
  • A plague of cicadas could eat out your patio
  • Ass hole De Melo construction drivers who lie like the very scumbags they are could run you off the road and smash you into an open car door
  • Pooch could throw up red again and continue doing so
  • Dentist could say, you need root canal now
  • Could drop wineglass and not find replacement
  • Hearts can stop as they did with Aunty #1
  • Asus chromebook could fail
  • Earthquake could hit right now

It's all very fishy isn't it?
...and so it goes.

You get the point - there's nothing you can do about anything. And my choice is to sit and worry, wring my hands helplessly and get nothing done. Or I can focus on each and every action I take so that whatever it is, however unimportant it is, I do it well and complete it...before everything goes to hell...(damn that spiral).

Time to go - the local restaurant has started frying fish for the day and I can't take the smell. Thanks George Michael.