eeeh?

Goodness. Much has happened of late. So much so that I don't know what to say. Partly because I feel like I've not woken up properly since February 26th - that is to say when I got home from Malaysia (afternoon flight and then took train back to the apartment), then went to Ladysmith to get Ash that weekend on a rainy nasty day.

So lack of sleep - that's one thing I must try and resolve this week.

I'm not sure I could even begin to explain what else is going on. It's like I'm a Roman Cartwheel now in free flight spitting out sparks and colours every which way while being very conscious of the fact that this dazzling display is going to go out sooner rather than later. Part of this is because I've been reading too many news items....Just one more, I keep telling myself then I learn about another disaster, another awful tragedy, another example of political betrayal or tyranny, or atrocity of religious beliefs. And the effect is twofold - it makes me feel guilty of the life that I have, and it makes me feel that the life I lead is unfair, inconsequential, and somehow contributing to the shit going on elsewhere.

This feeling is exacerbated by the first world problems I have (e.g., nasty insurance company denying my claims for Ash's medical attentions, the nasty desiccated sea witch (as opposed to cow) what denies me what I want (albeit, I'm secretly relieved I don't have to do what I said I want to do), and biking to work feeling my hip muscles ache a bit)).

Good example that. In all the cities I've lived in, this one has to be the friendliest to bikers, yet I whine about it. There are bike lanes! I can avoid traffic (for the most part), my bike has 21 gear ratios (!) compared to TE's bike what had 5 at most, the weather is cool and so biking is easier than biking in hot, tropical weather when you sweat if you so much as blink, and  yet I grumble about having to bike everywhere. Yet, i hate driving - and being in traffic - but even so when I really do need to drive, I can use car-sharing where I pay pennies a day compared to the shekels I'd have to pay were I to have a car loan and car insurance. Then I think of the people in so many parts of the world who can't afford a bike, and even if they did, have to fight traffic who don't care about cyclists, or have to avoid mines in the roads or sniper fire and then I'm struck down with guilt - guilt that I have such an easy life and complain about it still. Then I feel unworthy, and then I think to myself, what's the point of what I do since it helps (if at all) such a small number of people, and why aren't I out there fighting nasty politicians or desiccated sea witches so that others have a better life. Then I wonder, but what about me, and then I feel guilty again.

So yes, must stop reading the papers so much and caring about what happens in the world, because one must remember that the newspapers and media outlets exist to sell their product...


I'm stepping out onto the ragged edge of disaster with commitments coming up all over the place. Some are fool's gold, others, well not so much. However, I've started ticking the commitments off one by one. Honestly, some are so tiny that they could have been done eons ago, but now they're coming due so it's my fault. Others, I'm just letting go and not worrying about them at all. No point.

Honestly - have to let some stuff go, Elsa.

Perspective, that all important quality is so elusive these days. It's because I'm not getting enough sleep. The early mornings don't help. The late nights because i can't stay away from reading the news don't help even more. Okay. Tonight I'm trying something new - i shall go to bed by 930 even if it's still light out then hopefully even if someone - I'm talking about you, Ash - wake me up at 5:30 I'll at least have had 8 hours sleep.

Yes. must have sleep tonight so can deal with the graspers of tomorrow.

night night.