A battle of wills

Adorable and guilt-trip inducing eyes vs. intellect.

25 minutes it took, but the Ashmolean finally gave in, and lay down in the crate, hopefully to fall asleep soon.

You see. He's not been well lately so I let him sleep on the sofa with me as his personal hot water bottle last night. So now he expects Ritz-Carlton quality attention and service when he goes to bed. The other thing I didn't do was give him a kong, with a few bits of kibble in it, to worry and chew over while he fell asleep. He's not happy with me.

BUT. No whining or barking, which is a good thing as that's really hard to bear. The eyes are bad enough as it is. Normally, he just goes in, gives a big yawn and gives in to sleep. I think I'm lucky tonight that he only gave me the reproachful look and didn't try barking.

So I feel like I'm getting more sleep these days - about 7 hours now, and the frequency of the midnight runs down for a pee or poo have waned somewhat but I'm trying not to be too complacent because you JUST. DON'T. KNOW.

I've worked from home too much these last two weeks even though I've kept up with the e-mails and completed the tasks that I'm supposed to do. I can't help feeling guilty. It's a trait that's inbred in me, and reinforced by what I've done all my life, which is to assume the burden (very arrogant this) of saving the world and all those around me.

What if they DON'T want to be saved!
What if I can't save them!
What if they don't deserve to be saved!
What if I'm only saving them to make myself feel good!
What if I'm only doing this to show how good, altruistic and wonderful I am!

Well. I can't, and shouldn't.

I'm also pissed about plastic not keeping rain off grey chairs. But let that go. Be Elsa. Let. It. Go.

I'm not going to take on more responsibilities, and what's more have to let go of some and let the devil find his own way to his own hell - assuming that he thinks it's better to rule in hell than serve in heaven.

Cosmic wish list


  1. For a grant application to come through
    1. if not, then to develop 2 new ideas for writing up
  2. For a paper to be written
    1. Oh, I have one that needs to be written up
  3. For the Ashmolean's fecal matter to be solid for two days in a row
    1. If not, there is a plan in place
    2. Complete the transition
    3. Check in with PY
      1. Stuff pumpkin down and up the two ends
  4. For a lawn mower
    1. Oh, I've made arrangements - kind of
  5. Meals to be arranged, cards to be made up
    1. Another responsibility that is shared, and if you're lucky, you have this responsibility
  6. Chuck in the orbs
    1. Can't take the oscillations anymore
    2. It's making me feel sick
  7. Take care of the finances, and they'll take care of you
    1. Plan - can live on streets and rich in spirit
    2. There's also Bridge-67
  8. Running hurts
    1. Yoga
    2. Physio
    3. Figure out damn knee
    4. Throw in massage as well
  9. Friday social events
    1. Dr. C
    2. JG
    3. The unknowns
    4. T and I
  10. Completing the birdy grant
    1. It's underway, it's a good problem to have
  11. I shall have hollyhocks and Matthiola yet.
Look, the bottom line is this. You're lucky to have the time that you have to raise this puppy. You're getting more sleep now and more cognizant of his needs and personality. He runs to you eventually, he's testing you so you have to recognize this and not get upset. Calm. Consistent. Don't let Ian Dunbar scare you with his doomsday scenarios.


Good. The brat is snoring now. And loudly too. That's good. He's had a pretty busy day after a day of sleep. A reluctant walk in the morning (20 minutes to go up and down the block) cos he was cold, or just lazy. Then a play session with Benji (who got to go for a run with me in the afternoon), then some more play time and lectures. In the evening, a walk (less reluctant but still!) to the field where he met two new dog friends - Murpy, a 5 month old who he ran around with, and Pearl, a 5 year old, who he got a hard-on over. His first erection. Oh dear. So quickly is innocence over. I'm just so glad he didn't hump her. I'm not quite sure how to deal with that in public yet. Good thing Pearl snapped at him, showed him her teeth and sent him cowering behind me for a few minutes. That'll teach him.