Must break free from obligation - internal obligation - the kind that is the most difficult to break away from. I must break away from it because I'm tired of being obliged to someone or something. I believe that the fundamental problem is my not knowing the difference between guilt and obligation - and the lack of knowing will cripple you one day.

The four agreements and all that popped up recently. Why, I can't quite remember but pop up they did so I thought I'd mention it - integrity (acting with) being the most important. The fourth one is also do the best that you can do - two and three - you can really merge into one as it's really not about you.

Basically 1 and 4 mean that you can sleep at nights because it doesn't matter what someone else thinks - not like you can know anyway - it's what you think and do that matters and if you think and/or do something that doesn't sit well with your basic personality, then you have created a situation where you could make a horcrux if you really wanted to. Yes. Split your soul why don't you? I'll not care as long as it doesn't split mine.

There are days though when i think it might be a good idea to split, well perhaps split is a bit visceral, maybe just shave a little layer off here and there. Metaphorically of course, not physically. That'd be a bit too painful to have bits of flesh taken off. i rather imagine it'd be like ripping scabs what haven't quite ripened properly yet off.

Where's my book of ideas? Must transcribe them for posterity.

  • Dreams are dangerous. They make you do things that split your soul.
  • Other people get in the way of your agenda precisely because they have their own. There are exceptions of course. 
  • I don't suppose CK will ever read these lines.
  • A sense of purpose should just be - one should never generate a sense of purpose for the sake of generating one. Unlike SOPs which exist only to create meaningless work for SOP writers.
  • Caramelized sugar is salty - or maybe it tastes the way it does because salt is added to the sugar. I'm not sure whether that is bad or not. Will copious amounts of kale wash it away?
  • I wonder whether the Cleveland Dam, or any dam for that matter, ever wants to just breach its barriers and let all their waters out. I bet they do. I would if I were a dam.

I have to draw some lines - terminating lines to be clear. Lines that are drawn to emphasize that something is done with. There's been too much time and thought spent on the relative amounts of proteins in this and that (not to mention those damn html tags). It won't make any difference to world knowledge, and what will we do with all that knowledge anyway? Probably turn it into a better gun, killing device or consumer must-have. Well, maybe not, maybe a drug that'll be made and sold at obscene amounts of money to benefit a small percentage of the world's population.

A thought: I must really stop listening to Sam Smith on a rainy November Friday as the darkness draws in. He's on the cusp (lovely word) of making my veins exsanguinate themselves - much like in the late stages of hemorrhagic dengue fever.

Anyway, it's all so much effort for so little. Ah well, what would Andy say, "Visualize that little pinpoint of bright light in the middle of your chest". Maybe that will help, and yes it does for a few minutes until it doesn't. But with practice, it will get better. He promises me that so I guess I'll continue doing that for a while.

It doesn't really matter in the long run because like it or not, we will take our last breath on our own wherever we are, how ever many people are around us (or not) and what ever the circumstance. It will happen on our own time and there's naught you can do about it.
In the medium term, it may matter a little bit but only because it (I believe) blinds you to the first agreement so you render your soul a little bit shaved at the edges. You accept it in the medium term because you don't know any better.
In the short-term - now that's the difficult one - because you're on the cusp of falling into the medium term because the long term (ironically) seems so close rather than far away - although actually, it could be a lot closer than we imagine. Not very comforting, but then again, nobody ever said that life was comforting, or easy, or fair, or benign, or always beautiful.

Okay. I think I'll go check my bank accounts now to make sure I'm not overdrawn.