New age, new indignities

Blur is the theme when aged
"Susan, age only brings you more places to shave" said Sally in answer to Susan's statement about age bring about more wisdom and serenity.

Totally agree with Sally. Age doesn't ring more wisdom nor serenity. Rather the opposite. Especially if you read the scare articles about how we're all doomed one way or another, and how we're never going to die nicely, or perhaps more to the point, the path to death is not going to be a fun filled hike along some pleasant meadow path with flowers and bluebirds twittering about you.

This thought was brought about by the latest indignity visited upon me by some random barber who after cutting my hair also shaved my ear lobes. Really? Is it that bad? God. Take me now. Decimate me now. Rapture me now. I don't care. Just. Kill. Me. Now.

Dr. Shark's new lagoon - much bigger pond than previously
On retirement plans.

Listen up Dr. C! You scoffed when I told you I was going to cash in everything when I hit a certain age, then calculate how many years I could live in a manner to which I have become accustomed, and then top myself. You laughed cruelly.

Well. I now have compatriots who not only think the same way about retirement as me, but also subscribe to the same philosophy. Yes, RP completely agreed with me - "Couldn't agree more, si, si!" he said. Not only that, he also very kindly offered to push me over the cliff of my choosing when the time came, and I was destitute.  So kind of him.

A new friend for Dr. Shark
Dr. Shark also sniffed around the philosophy and although she's not quite on board yet - are sharks ever really on board, they tend to be quite independent-minded - she did express some interest in the idea, but rather than jumping off a cliff, was more interested in palliative care because she's convinced that we will all be stricken down with some nasty, debilitating disease or disability. She should know, she now has the right to push buttons and irradiate people. Well, almost. In any case, we're just about ready to start our own society for like-minded people. Mark my words. The Mop and Pail will write about this one day - oh wait, have they perhaps kinda made a movie about it? Logan's run perhaps - based on a similar philosophy.

In any case - retirement plans aside, the other thing you must have is a plan to avoid the indignities of the ageing process. The easiest thing to do is simply not care. But Dylan Thomas won't allow that with his rage against the darkness of the night and such fun.

Such. Fun.

In any case, I've got my plan in hand. But just in case, I'd better develop a plan B too.

A plan B has good ribs and bones
Plan B shall consist of:
  1. Not reading the news obsessively
  2. Not caring who sells the most planes
  3. Not caring what new upgrades to chairs are upcoming
  4. Reminding self of the agreements
  5. Reminding self that life is random 
  6. Reminding self that being selfless only works against you - well it does doesn't it? It's implicit.
  7. Karma may or may not exist, but probably not (see point 5)
  8. Reminding self that John Donne got it wrong, and that he was probably more optimistic than pessimistic
  9. That my worries are in my head and that the within affects the without
  10. Remind self to watch the cars drive round and round, but to not hitch a ride.
  11. Remind self to water the trees on the correct days, and even more important to turn the irrigation system off - and not at 2 am.

Damn it. I had all these philosophical thoughts and profound (if profane) answers to the little rivulets of ire running in me, but I forget them. They were good too - one even had something about how to prevent dust on chrome surfaces irritating me. 

Okay - best go face the kids now and get them on their way.