Y.A.W.N.

I feel sleepy - very sleepy. And cold. In fact, I've not stepped out of my outside clothes (jacket, fleece) since I got off my bike - well, not counting gloves and hat anyway. 

Been for a brisk walk, had hot drinks and eaten a delightfully sinful and greasy lunch comprised in the main of fatty fried foods. Still no go. 

Now the cold has got to my brain and it's reacting ever more slowly to the things on lmy list. I've taken one item off the list of things to do. That's it. 

Today is going to be one of those days when nothing, despite my best efforts, gets done. And I think all I can do is give in to it. Yesterday was borderline productive. I did get a cracked filling replaced although the insurance company didn't pay for all of it. You see, they say, we only pay for the cheaper metal-amalgam fillings. The trouble is, very few dentists use the amalgams and instead use the white polymer ones instead. You pay the difference. Inconsistencies like these annoy me. 

Yesterday I moved black bags from one spot to another, then to another and then to another. How boring. I'm sure the black bags will be in different spots now. Leave them alone long enough, and they'll grow legs and walk. 

Yesterday, I also saw something I never thought I'd see - a Philip Marlowe who was downright chipper and smiling all the time. So much for being a taciturn, cynical and hard-boiled detective created by Raymond Chandler. He also drank a lot but was a happy drunk, not a morose one. Useful if you're at a party, but when you're in a theatrical play adapted from a Raymond Chandler novel, it's a bit jarring - at first - later, you just fidget and wished the play was over.

My horoscope today told me to be careful about delaying with a certain person - one who would irritate me - but the horoscope told me to not react and to be patient with the irritating person as he would have an important influence on me. Unfortunately, I read the horoscope too late - i.e. after I'd sent the irritating person a snarky e-mail. 

It's absolutely one of those days, even if it's a Friday - the one silver lining in this whole debacle of a day is that it's not a long weekend. 

I shall listen to White Flag by Dido over and over again to remind me not to give up on the world. Of late, I've felt that, like Diana Trent and Tom Ballard in "Waiting for God", we are either on the cusp of our next adventure, or are in the third phase of our life - waiting to die. I forget what the first phase (according to Diana) is - the second is "to consume".

Oh wait, I did do something useful this morning - I cleaned out the space bar on my trusty thinkpad so that it doesn't stick. I will need a new battery soon though.

SOM and FTR statement.
Today, I'm borderline cranky but in a calm and zen-like way. The primary thought in mind is hearing again in my mind what I said to CT about two stark choices he's thinking over. Would you regret playing it safe if the other is something that you're very attracted to having? This goes with hand in hand with something that I've always said to myself - the day I go into work and find research no longer fun is the day I break away from it. I look at the state of HC - too easy to fake depression - and it's infuriating. The sad thing is that so many people play it safe which then makes everyone play by the rules even if this is the most stultifying thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you. There is no social contract anymore. 

To be honest, I don't find myself caring very much about anyone around me either. It seems to me that most people around me have made their choices and they're living with them. It's the same with me except that I'm not so sure I want to live with my present choices, so maybe it's time to shake things up. Maybe it's time I stopped thinking about my responsibilities and obligations (perceived and real) to others. If the people I know don't confer a tangible advantage to me, then maybe I should just walk away. I like that. I think I could be a very good sociopath if I really, really, really put my mind to it. I wonder whether Headspace with all its programs for retraining the mind to focus, sleep, be calmer and so forth by mediating has one for making you care less about the world and people. I'm sure that if meditating can make you a better person by changing the grey matter in your brain, then it must also be possible to make you a worse person - you just have to train in the right way. Look what yoga has done to Bikram after all - is he a better person after all this yoga? I doubt it given all the allegations against him that have come out in the press.  

Unfortunately, if I become a sociopath then I follow in the footsteps of NP - and God knows I'd rather die than be like him. Yuck.

Talk, talk, talk - but all the talk is about themselves - that's another thing that frustrates me. It reminds me of I - who dressed up as a slut for Halloween one year, and then wondered why people were hitting on her. What an idiot. She would sit and go on and on about herself and then disappear once she was done. I learnt quickly and shut her out. Others didn't, then complained to me about her. Hello? WTF? You know, actually there is a lot of resemblance between thingy and I. Their names even sound the same. Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me. Please. Go play in traffic. When the lights turn green.

What was the other thing that was said in those days? Oh yes, Take a long walk on a short pier.

Which is probably what I should do now - take a long walk that is. To that horrible store to find some glass cylinders what are frosted. 

Final thought - Time spent in l'endroit is time wasted. It really is. There is no advantage to it, so shun it. Just. Shun. It.