Lacking empathy

SIO - DCI Stella Gibson says, "Everybody has a limit to their empathy", and I might add, "...and a damn good thing too".

You see, I have an abundance of empathy and it makes life difficult to live. I see a crushed cherry blossom and my eyes brim - even if I blame it on allergies or something like that. Well, you see how it is, life would be intolerable were you to brim every time you thought of a match without a house, less a thatch at that.

Poor match.

Oh, excuse me, there's something in my eye.

Anyway, in order to get on with life instead of feeling sorry for every living thing (except aphids because they're not really living - they're merely killing and breeding) I have decided to divest myself of empathy. In fact, cruel to be kind is going to be my new mantra. So yes, if I'm cruel to you, it's only because I'm being kind.

Imagine this scenario - you're in some kind of emotional torment. Then you come to me and my overflowing empathy envelops you in some form of comfort and shields you from torment. Then one day, I can't take it anymore - empathy costs one you know - and I withdraw and there you are, suddenly left in the cold again. So much better to have been left in the cold than to have been given a taste of safe and warm comfort before having it whipped away isn't it? It's like Russel Kane's sliding down a fridge in despair story - he had been dumped or something like that and was in a friend's kitchen having the heebie-jeebies and generally having a break down. He slumped against the fridge and in tears, slid down the fridge as his legs gave way. His friend (male) watched in horror, then rushed to the kettle, made him a hot cup of tea, well-sugared to alleviate the shock - set it before Russel, and said, "You need to go bang (as in fuck someone) something!" and left.

Cruel, yes somewhat, but really, kinder in the long run.

So there you go. Cruel to be kind. Yes. I like it. I shall make this a tenet of my life; this will give me the perfect excuse to be cruel at will this will help preserve my sanity without giving lie to my overall kindliness and generosity. It's almost like having my cake and eating it to - I shall be cruel, which is really the true essence of moi and yet be thought kind. Really, I don't much care anymore. Somebody offered me a freezer and I said - be off with you, there's always a catch, and I bet it's oozing with mold. Someone else didn't do their homework properly and are going to use a system which they kind of know is not optimal for their work - I could have said something, but there's no point because woolly minded people like this won't thank you for the advice, and they'll go ahead and feck up anyway. Not to mention, woolly-minded people have a nasty habit of smudging and smearing up the insides of your windows because of their unfocused thoughts floating hither and thither until they bang up against the wall and sort of glom on and slide down leaving a smeary trail behind them.

Finally - I wish I could have dreams of singing hedgehogs - I imagine them to have a lovely warbling sort of boy choir soprano - clear and clean - as they walk up to you on their hind legs and then sing verses of advice, but in particular on what gifts to get your parents, before - in the original dream they threw up but this is my wanted dream so I shall change it - they wander off warbling away about the beauty of life and aphid-free flowers supped on by humming birds who for once are not trying to stab each other but actually getting along. Too much to ask for I suppose.

Anyway, a dream like this would be good. Even better if there was all there was to it and I didn't  have to wake and face the nasty world and be cruel. So exhausting being cruel, but much less tiring than being empathetic.

I forget what else I was going to put down here - something about organizing myself and being patient. Oh yes - must go pay my debts now and then in a few months, there will be one less key on my ring. And if all goes well, there may be two less keys on my ring. One can hope.

OH yes - good karma. There I was this morning, came in early to do a workout and was hungry and longing for something with protein to help the muscles recover etc. There was nothing on offer at the stores without a whole bunch of palaver or deep frying. Then on the table in the office - a box. A box with an orange lid. I opened it, and lo - there was a doughnut - not just a doughnut, but one with bacon bits on top - real bacon bits, as in strips of bacon what had been diced and then scattered on the doughnut. Protein - exactly what I was looking for.