Head to toe

There's been a certain amount of dissatisfaction with things around me recently. I put it down to the grey skies and incessant (okay, so it's only been the last 3 days) rain. I head out in the rain, body clenched tightly together to present the smallest possible surface to the elements, and do the same coming home in the dark. It's exhausting, and my little body aches from the constant clench and anticipation of a sudden wave of cold water.

So I'm planning a reboot - wouldn't it be lovely if we humans had a control-alt-delete sequence that simply put everything right - physical aches and emotional turmoil - so that we woke up again, all smiley and in perfect equilibrium with the not so perfect world (by which I mean the people world, not Nature). Alas, we don't have such a key combination on our human keyboard - the only thing I can think of is a sharp blow to the temple but with that you only really get two goes at it, and the nature of the blow is also difficult to control. What, after all, is 'sharp' and how does it relate to a blow?

The Head: I shall empty it as fast as it fills up with knowledge and trivia. Sad to think that we spend so many years filling our heads with years and years of education only to have to empty it so that we can focus on one task at a time. It's just so much easier to think about one thing at a time, and even better to not think about certain other things and people - you should know who you are, and if you don't, then you're a waste of space. Ha. But wait, I shall empty my mind of you. Yes. Pouf. All gone.

The Peepers (Jeepers-creepers, where did you get those peepers?): As entertaining as Fraiser was in his heyday. I shall limit myself to watching only the occasional episode and not binge-watch like I've been doing recently. Talk about seeing someone's life flash between your eyes. Besides, I have to save some viewing powers for the upcoming premiere of Downton Abbey...which is coming up although I fear that they have jumped (way jumped high and beyond blue horizons) the shark. Be that as it may, I'm sure I shall have more tips to pick up from Lady Mary on how to effectively freeze people out of my sphere (see 'The Head').

The Mouth: No question about it, the mouth has to stay shut. Both in saying nasty things about people, and in eating bits and bobs made of butter, flour and sugar. It will not be easy to do either because they balance each other out - don't say anything about someone who irritates you, get irritated yourself and eat sweet, floury and buttery things to make yourself feel better. Oh this will be difficult to do. But I shall try. I shall say "Brush" before entering any public room so as to put a smile on one's face and say little nothings like, "Why, I'm very well - how are you?!", "What a lovely pair of shoes you have!", "...and your dog/child/spouse/work/car/stupid hobby/present obsession/hairdo/clothes/skin condition, how is/are they/it?" Then I shall smile beatifically and move around the room spreading meaningless faux cheer - may as well start practicing since December is almost upon us - in fact, someone has already wished me Merry Christmas - and he even shook jingly bells in my face and looked down at his coin receptacle (yes, the Salvation Army is out now).

The Chest: Must remember to raise it to the heavens (with the crown of the head) so that my shoulders don't hunch over as much and therefore make the top part of my back feel like a stretched rubber band that's about to give up the ghost. No, don't give up on the ghost - you should never give up on the ghost.

The Tummy: Must eschew the yummy (yes, DWE, it is a real word) for the tummy thinking because what is generally yummy for the tummy will make the tummy look like a giant bunny what is caged, only eats and never gets any exercise. Much better to have something that makes (avert the eyes if you have tender sensibilities) the tummy runny so that you don't have to be all runny yourself (see The Legs/Hips/Knees below). In short, there is a certain growing slackness about one's estomac and that is jamais jolie. Not to mention, it's only 8 months to the next parade (not that I attend, but one should aspire to something in life). So clamp the mouth, raise the chest to the heavens and perhaps all will look well. If not, there're always big rubber bands that can be used even if they're stretched to breaking and ready to give up on the ghost. No, don't give up on the ghost - you should never give up on the ghost.  Wait, haven't we been here before?

The Legs/Hips/Knees: All the running that one has to do to make the tummy not runny (as in a poached egg flowing over the toast, or baked slabs of cheese) makes them all hurt and tight, but not in a good way. What to do about this? Well, Let's see, I could empty the mind and swivel them in all manner of poses while keeping the mouth shut (so as to breathe through the nose and not have anything yummy for the tummy) and then I wouldn't have to be all runny as much and then all will be fine. That or there's always advil except that's also a NSAID what makes some people have thin blood which then leads to feeling cold as medical experiments procedures are carried out on you.

The Toes: They are turning black because of the Legs/Hips/Knees (see above, or if you prefer, vide infra) and they're also cold because well, because of the rain and cool weather and lack of water-proof toe shoes. So what do you do? You just keep moving to stay warm, but then that means you have to eat, and when you eat, you say less about people...and oh wait, there could be an answer to being pleasant this upcoming season of cheer. Hmmm....Must think about that - there has to be a balance here between running, eating sugar/butter/flour, not having a runny tummy and perhaps there is a Control-Alt-Delete sequence for us humans after all.

Things to think about, but only after I empty the mind a bit.