Mrs. D stepped out of the condominium and thought, "aiyoh, today, very muggy!" and she was off not looking for flowers to buy this time, but to get a lovely fresh nanas sawit, or big fat juicy pineapple. On her way to the market, she ran into traffic that clogged the arterial roads which slowed her down. She thought, oh, I'll forget the pineapple and go to Stutong park instead, pay my 30 cents and walk 3 miles briskly which is exactly what she did. While doing this, the thought came through her head that it was okay to not do anything, and also that conditions here now prevented her from ever coming back for long. This is sad, but unfortunately true because Mrs. D has realised that to achieve her potential, she must also get on with her life and stop pandering to the needs of others whatever the reason. She also believes that her thoughts flow hither and thither so there is no need to use commas or indeed any punctuation (except periods) whatsoever when this is transcribed. Especially since nobody actually reads any of this shit anyway. Poor Mrs. D, ignored and all alone in her dreams of a better life. There is a time thinks Mrs. D when you simply have to assess all that has passed and stop banging your head against the wall. There is no point to it you only get little unslightly bumps on your noggin and one's noggin is important because it is what makes you who you are. And if you have bumps on your noggin, then you will have bumps on you too. This is the truth of the world. Mrs. D when walking briskly this morning and sweating profusely in the tropical heat - such lovely tropical flowers though - believes that life only ends with you. That change is around the corner and it may be good it may be bad but it will be change. The days roll by here with excuses to eat eat and eat more. There is only so much nourishment and taste that you can take thinks Mrs. D. There is a time when you have to stop. That day is today. Today is when random thoughts having had a good shake up recently and having been well and truly steeped in observation, in thoughts and briny bitterly shed tears will be sorted through and extraneous ones shed. Tokens are unnecessary because they only serve to be weights around one's neck to be a passive-aggressive reminder of guilt and responsibility towards love given for the wrong reasons. Tokens only gather dust and are eventually discarded with a shrug of the shoulders. Mrs. D thinks to herself that really, she must come first as when the oxygen masks on a plane drop you take them and make sure you're breathing before you help someone else. There is no point putting yourself at risk for extreme hypoxia for a stranger. The strangers must look after themselves and be done with it. Mrs. D cannot take on any more guilt, responsibilities and obligations (whether real or perceived) without exploding. So she won't. Mrs. D won't explode because it would cause a mess, and that would be rude and inconsiderate to those around her. Mrs. D's clever plan to invert sensitivities is working brilliantly, now when poked, it becomes a reminder of goodness, kindness, consideration and general goodwill which is what you must believe in because there is love, lots of love in the air should you pay attention to what actually happens and not what you think should be or may have happened. The reasons are not important. The reasons are not important just the events. Best wishing worst fears away far away. Mrs. D is a survivor as in the family crest that says Ye shall perish long before I do. Worst fears are exactly that fears that are the worst conjured up by a mind that is not focused on narratives that cut back and forth go in parallel and swerve around. Mrs. D shall plan too but not too far ahead. No, Robert, said the the Dowager Countess, our job is to bring Mary back into the world, not to protect her from it! Such clever words and Mrs. D shall put this into action and bring Mary back into the world. Mary has ideas of her own too in the division of the estate but what comes first is first. And what comes first is to send messages good wishes well wishing thoughts forth. One a day and then sit back and reap what occurs it could be a temporary relief it could transmute into something more. Who is to say. What will happen to Mrs. D is in her hands and her delicate graceful hands only and what she will say to all and sundry is naught but kind words that do not pander nor put her under obligations. She knows that what is set upon the table is not for her that her table must be set by herself. In these days where the servant problem is rampant, there is not much choice other than to do this. So there you go, obligations, pandering and the like are cast to the winds, Noblesse Oblige be damned. As Mrs. D walks around looking for fresh pineapple, she thinks to herself again, what was it all for? Does it matter that it was for naught, and the answer is that it doesn't matter. That wasn't the point. The point is that naught is naught but that naught is but a small part of the greater. The greater good is what Mrs. D is convinced she should focus on. She is convinced. She thinks. No, she is convinced. There will be good moments, there will be difficult moments but the good will, and the good-will, will overcome the difficult and all will be good. For there are some who need support and a soupcon of pandering and if one is to wish well sometimes it behooves one to behave well and to be supportive. Mrs. D realises that half the day is over now and that she has little time and in a more metaphorical way, we all have much less time than we think we have fortunately Mrs. D knows this now and so she will use the knowledge to good use and not waste the time left to her and to us. There. What else has Mrs. D learnt? It's that nothing stays the same forever although she does wonder why things couldn't stay the same for just a little bit longer but nonetheless things don't stay the same the can't else Mrs. D and her like wouldn't be alive, or not much anyway. Mrs. D has hopes for the future flowers that are to be bought and brought into her house to grace it. But before then, she has to perfect the inversion of sensitization And I highly doubt that dr. c will even make it to this point in time. Mrs. D has bought pineapples and they have been cut up, but she still wanders around restlessly and so she thinks, I'll do laundry and so does. Today the sheets are due to be washed because the maid will be here soon to clean and make up the naked beds with fresh new linens which brings to mind regrets that Mrs. D has to do with linens and little globular lights that will probably fracture in the sun. Be that as it may, it's not the worse that can happen. Mrs. D is very sensitive to things like light and sound, and as she ages, also to humidity. It would appear that today's offerings will be the perfect storm to overwhelm her and make her beat her breasts, go out to the patio, look out at the rising African sun and say, "Oh God, not another fucking beautiful day", and of course her mind has veered from one continent to another, but why not she says. Regrets thinks Mrs. D are not to be countenanced not really if you're not to sit in a puddle of soggy self-pity feeling hard-done by and plotting pointless revenge. So no sighs Mrs. D another day of sacrifice and oops she's slipped into self pity again. She will endeavour to remember Agreements 2 and 3 today and if necessary tattoo them to the insides of her eyelids to remind herself that it's not personal and that she mustn't assume in the absence of anything. It is hard to do however when you have such an agile and limber mind like Mrs. D where all things are connected and being so wander around randomly. What is the problem with this generation that they're all eating so much and becoming dangerously fat? Metabolic disorder indeed. Eating is all we do and looking for food materials comes a close second. When did the state of affairs come to this wonders Mrs. D. Is this narrow view of life closing her off further wonders (or should that be wanders) Mrs. D. What does it matter in the end, does it matter Mrs. D thinks. Perhaps yes. And if yes, then it is important that Mrs. D looks out at the people who work to produce goods, and at the others who seem to exist to consume the goods. What about Dr. GOP who without much notice suddenly divorced his high-school sweetheart wife and took up with a woman with two kids yet will not marry her and allows his young daughter to drink? What of Dr. GOP who became a trader, what indeed. Are we all like Larry and Adrian who are stuck in the desert wondering when Hamlet is going to come and smite them? Is this all there is to life ponders Mrs. D. No, she is adamantly certain that she has to look out away from the people aforementioned here who are not part of her reality - or at least only for 2 - 3 weeks a year, and she has to look closely at her life and decide what is real, what it is that brings her joy - perhaps joy is too strong a word - let's use satisfaction and keep that. All else what brings anxiety whether imaginary or real - actually it's almost always imaginary it's the triggers that are real. Regardless, Mrs. D has faced the reality down three times now and she will take it to heart and go buy more flowers. The ironies within are meaningless as Mr. Justin Young once said, ironies are nothing more than a coincidence within a coincidence. And there you have it - agreement number 2, it's not personal. So it's not personal and since Mrs. D's heart still has a vast capacity to love she will continue buying flowers and will be patient while doing what she has to do to ensure that the flowers continue to grow even if it's on her grave. Mrs. D is irked by the changes with each sip of coffee even if of single origin that costs almost 10 cents per mL. She wants but will not get. And what she doesn't get she will think into despair and this becomes a spiral and it stops when she says it does. Actually Mrs. D thinks that it's all a very necessary part of the process and that this will settle down in August when milestones pass, new projects start and the mind settles down. She knows this is the case, but wishes still that the process can be hurried up so that she can go back to floating about in her own space buying the flowers that she wants to buy. She also hopes that the maid is watering her flowers. Ahem.