Indulgence

cut me some slack, or maybe not
It's over, but I can't quite let go yet. The last of the 6 applications was submitted this morning after a last minute flurry of rewriting 5,100 characters or so. Then I had a little breakdown of character and totally dissed the First Agreement and started manipulating managing events to suit myself. Well. That was a mistake cos there was some major blow-back when I was caught out and put into a special circle of hell all of my own doing (the bitterness, the bitterness!).

Fine. I will take today to get over that little lapse, climb back onto the bandwagon and reaffirm the First Agreement once more. Oh just cut me some slack won't you, Clotho the spinner, Lachesis the allotter and Atropos the unturnable, known as the Morai collectively - just don't cut the strings just yet. It's metaphorical you see, cutting me some slack. Maybe I should just say, give me more rope so there's no misunderstanding.

Seeing red and wanting to howl
I could howl today because it's one of those days when I feel like I've been cut loose to be blown hither an thither by the winds - except of course there are some who would say that I'm vastly too heavy to be blown around, and others who also say that sometimes peer pressure (that I'm vastly too heavy) isn't all bad. Anyway, this feeling of being adrift is normal, and there's not much I can do except to wait it out and indulge a little bit. Except that I feel guilty when I indulge. Except I shouldn't because coming up is more meetings to get another mini-proposal together, more writing for the dreaded chapter that refuses to go away, taking over another project for Dr. Shark (she's bribing me with Tojo's), resubmitting two manuscripts, maybe a third, and then preparing for samples for SEMs. Oh, and then there's the threat of starting some trials - more trials and tribulations. But I still feel like howling.

So maybe I should just stop thinking, stop feeling guilty and just go with the moment and hit the right milestones (oh, bitter, bitter concept) as they show up. Yes. that's the First Agreement urging me to do the right thing again. Bah. Sometimes though I just wish I could not do the right thing and not feel guilty. In fact, I think some sociopath tendencies would actually do me good. I wouldn't care so much what happens to people and simply protect my own little inner self what cowers behind little beating heart.

Okay-lah, like Siti kata, pasti percayalah. Enough. Enough. Enough.

9 for 8 - bloody hell!
So back to indulging myself. A few days ago, I was told without any kindness, tact or subtlety that my patio had to be 'edited', that non-performing plants have to be thrown out, that the placement of furniture and other bits and pieces were just not on, and that if I didn't shape up, I'd have to ship out and pass over my G-card. Surprisingly, my idea of having a fragrant garden was actually approved - but as was also pointed out to me, there's no point having fragrance if the aesthetics don't match. My first instinct was to ignore such remarks, but that was a defensive move born of instinct. Well, what do you expect? Nobody likes to be criticized do they? However, I went home and looked carefully and reluctantly admit that there is something to the criticism. So I edited and then to sooth my ruffled feathers I bought a shower wand (all 33" long), and walked over to the Johnsons seed display. I knew it was going to be expensive - they always are - but I went over and picked up one package of seeds. Just one - the last time I picked up 4, and I got a shock when the bill came through. This time just one, and it was $7.99 - okay, kinda expected that...but when I opened up the package, there were 9 seeds. 9 fucking seeds! They'd better all perform well or someone (probably Johnsons) will die. Ah such is indulgence. This had better be worth it.