Counting stars (kind of)

This post started April 4th, and continued April 12th.

Friday 4th April, 2014:

Counting stars, not money, but stars - what a lovely thought, except that the clouds they are in the way again. Now, what was I thinking this morning on my way into work? I remember being heavy of nose and wet of eyes which made for a heart that was dispirited. But really, I shouldn`t have been dispirited for one reason if nothing else. The chips - they fell, and they fell my way, and with that little flourish, all should have been well. Except, except that they weren`t, and i was damned if I knew why.

I have my suspicions but there you are - suspicions are merely that in the absence of any evidence. Rumours of the mind are the worst things you can pay attention to because there madness lies. The kind of madness that makes people avert their eyes and pity you, but not enough to help you.

Today, there was little grace in life. There are few thoughts that I can trust, and there’s a sense of doom running rampant in me. In the evening, several gathered for pizza and drinks, and the asshole what lives below banged on the ceiling. Do that again, asshole and I will invite Riverdance over at 1am some evening when you’ve got a long and difficult day ahead of you.
 Mind you the energy was strange – even Dr. J admitted that when he so fucking subtly shouted out instructions to the last of us to leave. But then again, he left his tampon case behind so perhaps it was that time of the month.

However, we shall rise above all this. That evening, I toodled along docilely with E and M to Richmond where there are too many hotels with the same name, then on to the stand and pose place down on Davie St., then eventually home, and to bed where I tossed and turned, and stood on the edge of Mt. Doom looking down at the rivers of lava in a frenzy of indecision wishing that some creature would jump up and make the decision for me.

Saturday, 5th April, 2014:

A day probably best forgotten as the rain poured down and tested the limits of Vulpine. Also my glasses broke and so spent far too much time getting them repaired. Then there was that playground on Main and 19th which has to be eradicated from my memory. Another soul-sucking spot. I can only hope that I will return to this post in the future and not have the slightest idea what the playground means. It was dire though, so probably just as well that I don’t put any detail down. Shudder.

Dinner at the SOCK’s with DWA (tramp), CA (still in the double digits) and BKKB. BK thought I was being modest when I was just so sick of the process, and really had no desire nor energy to go through the details, so he spilt and I bit his head off. Sorry, BK, you just caught me at a bad moment.

Sunday, 6th April, 2014:
The sun came out for a bit if I remember correctly. Then my glasses broke again and it was all a blur. Fortunately these time they were repaired properly, and adjusted so that they fit better than they’ve ever fit before. Never again am I going with this brand of frames. I never did like them in the first place, and like them marginally better now that they don’t fall off so easily, but it’s not quite as it should be. Had a run in with MM – he was red and resembled a tomato somewhat – even if at least it’s now a Roma and not a Beefsteak. Look, I can’t help it. That happens to be true and even he admits it. Anyway, it could have been a hell of a lot worse, I could have chosen the word Satsuma.

Then something in the world tilted, and I sighed a breath of relief. Maybe it was during the run on 37th avenue and back on 25th, or maybe it was the Boxer Remix. In any case, Yorkshire pudding was on the menu, and it was a good dinner with an even better (never thought I’d say this) cupcake. The immediate sense was relief, but I do know that in the future there will be more tangled threads to untwist, but I will leave that to next week when I’ve had some time and distance from all that has happened this past three months. Hopefully, I’ll see a simple thread that is easy to untangle, and which will lie gentle and not twist, turn in a demented fashion.

Yes, dinner at the Chaise was exactly what was required, nor was it just for me either. That’s the irony of it isn’t it? I suspect that there’s a good chance it will ever be this way. Lord knows I should have enough experience to 1) avoid it, or 2) deal with it, or 3) ignore it completely. Unfortunately, none of this is an option for me. What to do, this is what happens when you have a refined sense of empathy. One might even say, a rampant sense of empathy.

Must. Remember. Four. Agreements. But why? As SS used to say. Why indeed. Because it’s the right thing to do? Because I’m a martyr? Because I’m too gullible and am an enabler. Because I’m bored, or because I’m going by instinct. Take your pick.

In a way – whatever happens will happens. I have very little control over stuff like this. That the CHIPs fell the way they fell – There was nothing that I could have done to influence the result, except to edit the hell out of the document – speaking of which, I had a look at the document again, and man it was scary. I’ll never write at 2am while on a plane – especially when in economy class. That was painful, so very painful. As for the other negotiation that was underway and is now on hold – well, it’s on hold so what can I do? Not much, and at this point in time, it’s probably a good thing. Why can’t life be simple, why must the threads be so tangled – right from the time MIB highlighted Marvin’s name after he told me I had a fascinating accent, then the freaking blue walkman failed. Why? Why? Why?

Why couldn’t things just happen like they did to L&L – mind you, where I’m concerned, it would have been a high price to pay. And maybe that’s it, I’m not willing to compromise on some things because 1) I’m delusional, 2) I have high standards, or 3) it’s an avoidance tactic.
I don’t like any of these options either. What can you do when both what you want, and what you have are equally out of your control? You clean kitchens – that’s what you do because at least there’s some semblance of control over that.


That’s it for now. I’ll save the Oakland ramblings for tomorrow.