Penat

The word for today is fatigue.

I don't remember being this tired, mentally and physically, for a very long, long, long time, and it's only March. If the rest of the year is like the beginning of the year, then I'm in a little bit of trouble.

Today, I have to come up with a vision in 1000 characters or less, and I look at the blank page and I dive into despair right away. If I'm not careful, today could be spent staring into space waiting for the day to pass.

I'm also tired of waiting. I'm told to be patient to which I can barely summon up the energy to say, feck off, fecktard, I've been patient for a long time, and I can't do it anymore. I want something good - with a capital G - Good - to happen, and not just happen, but to happen to ME, and now. NOW. I say.

Let me be clear about this - I'm not wishing for anything specific to happen - that's the express highway  to madness - I just want something unexpected, and unasked for to happen (to me) that will lighten the burden on my head and heart, and give me pure joy that I can hug to myself and not share if I don't want to.

I'm beyond tired of hanging on to the present framework where I find myself unexcited of the daily routine, or find myself anxious about the unexpected which happens. I'm tired of straddling that fine balance between - hell and heaven. Look, what's being straddled is not the point, it's the fact that I have to straddle anything at all.

I'm not asking for wishes to be granted - after all, when the gods want to punish you, they grant you your wishes, and say,There! See how you manage that now! Ha! Imagine thinking you know what's best for you! The sheer arrogance of it all! 

What I would like is for a completely random, unasked for, un-thought of, to simply happen - I suppose this is already a wish in itself so I'm already fucked.

Oh okay, I'll go back to the first option - a nice sharp blow to the temple. But before that, better get that vision statement done.