Limited Freedom

Today is grant-free day. That's what I have decided. Today, I will not think about innovation, abstracts, physical interactions between external energies and material surfaces. Nor will I think about drug interactions with proteins, nor the way positrons disintegrate, nor how all these unrelated topics actually do relate to one another. It's just that we've not hit upon the theory for unifying all this. I sometimes think it's too complex to be digested, and what can't be digested can't be understood.

Of course this leaves me with an empty mind. Empty mind, empty body, empty tin - which brings to mind something learnt in grade 4 about empty tins making more noise than full tins.

Grade 4. Those were the days when you ran around in blue shorts and white shirts (uniform you see) and tried not to get tar on your white shirts - the tar was on outside walls of the school to protect the wood from rain, bugs and the sun. Except the sun would melt the tar and if you brushed against the wall, you'd stain your shirt, then mum would be annoyed because it meant some hard scrubbing with a brush to get rid of the stains.

From grade 4, I moved on to grade 5, and that was the point of no return because that's when I started running - not literally, but metaphorically. These days, I still run, but fortunately more literally than metaphorically. Some day the running will stop - both metaphorically and literally and it can't come soon enough for the former, but may it never come for the latter.

Today is Thursday, and it seems unnaturally still and quiet where I am. The traffic on the roads isn't as dense as it normally is, and the crosswalk is empty of people.

It's a state of mind, and what you don't mind, doesn't exist; what you do mind, does. Funny how that works. Today, if wishes were to be granted, I would like to know what it is I want without any GUP or the gap to worry about. Today, I want to sandpaper a piece of wood until it is smooth and feels like satin to the touch. Actually, not just a piece of wood but a piece of furniture - then I'd have something tangible in my hand at the end of the day. Today, I would like to have more empathy. Today, I would like to be hungry, eat and digest properly.

Today, I wish Toro was alive, well and healthy. Today, I wish I had a faster metabolism that would get rid of the residue effects of the antihistamine I took yesterday - it makes me feel groggy. I would also wish for the aches and sores in my hip and wrist to resolve themselves sooner rather than later. The good news is, the shoulder pain is now gone without any need for cortisone injections. Thank you CB. I also wish for clarity of mind - this drug induced fog - so fortunate it's not chemo brain - has to go. Good thing I'm on a grant-free day - although it's not necessarily guilt free - that would be a hyper jump in mental evolution where I'm concerned - because if it were, I'd be unpicking mistakes all the next day.

But when all is said and done, wishes are exactly that - wishes - and what really happens is random, unless you engineer something to happen in which case it's not real - at least to me. So no point wishing, but just be thankful for what goes well, and to look at what doesn't - like KS says - give it its due weight and consideration, then let it go its merry way. It's an interesting state of mind to aspire to and sounds very peaceful if you get there.

Today will be a good day - I know it without looking up any dubious forecasts - and to make it better, I shall clean out my mailbox, decide on 5Fu or Oxaliplatin, and also about the GNPs, then execute and have a plan for the SEM images we hope to get.

Today has started out being a good day despite the desperate weather, rain and grey cloud. Today the financial comptroller is pleased with me because costs have been contained, we have a plan (best she doesn't know that I made it up on the spot, but that's neither here nor there) and I'm charging people by the nose hairs for anything they want done.

Today will be an even better day because 3 decisions will be made - to wit: 1) Samples will be annotated and Series #8 will begin shut-down procedures; 2) Pages and pages and pages of prose will be cut, cut and cut more - interestingly a little bit of me is becoming excited about this - and 3) The framework completed for BioNANA will be sketched out even more.  Those are the work decisions.

The non-work decisions: Tomatoes will be pulverized tonight and about time, best to use freshly ripened tomatoes, and not rank ones. Sheets will soaked and washed to remove all manner of white fluff that is coming out of overly warm duvets. I might even go for a run in the rain (while listening to Menari dalam Hujan - which translates into "dance in the rain") and wash the imaginary sins and preconceived, nay not preconceived but self-anointed, guilt away. Must. Climb. Off. The. Cross. The wood is needed elsewhere. After all, there's only so much we as humans can do, and I did what I believe to be right, and there it stays. Like it or not, it's done and out of my hands.