Trouble deciding

It's not the sugar, it's the stealing that counts
Today I am in trouble. It's obvious because I just stole a sugar-raisin praline from my boss. And all that extra sugar didn't do me any good, it just made me hyper for a few minutes then the sugar spike retreated and I fell asleep at my console. Fortunately, there was no drool - and why would there have been? I was dehydrated already from the coffee and overly numerous visits to the loo.

So, let's start again. I'm trying to decide whether this will be a ranting kind of post or a beatific one. Which will win the struggle for my state of mind? This is an example of what CT - he who terrifies actors, directors and producers - would call a heavy-handed way of setting up dramatic tension. Fortunately, he doesn't review these pages.

Then again, who needs more tension in their life, so I shall call up on Mrs. Dalloway and let loose the mind in an attempt to recapture some moment of quiet. It's not as asinine as it seems; this is the  written version of the eyes-closed yoga class i had on Monday where we went through the various stretching and poses with eyes closed and focussed breathing.

If it's not crossed off, it's not been done yet...
Hard as it may be to believe, I'm writing this my eyes closed while breathing slowly and deeply. Today, I'm also having problems concentrating. There are too many things that need to be done, and I'm behind in everything, and the further behind I fall, the more anxious I become. There will be a day of reckoning, and I fear it will come sooner rather than later. Worse, there's this sense of dread of the unknown, or more precisely that what I would like to happen won't happen, and even worse, whether what I would like to happen would actually be any good, or whether it would be rubbish. Just look at that sentence, so many conditionals can't be good for one, can it?

I feel redundant today...
I have fixed ideas in my head and if it's difficult, when writing a paper, to not force the facts to fit your hypothesis, rather than adjusting your hypothesis to fit the facts, then it's even more difficult to  not project my desires and expectations onto what's around me. I have to say that I hate it when I have days like this when I don't see the way for all the dust that is stirred up by my mind. That's right - today, I see the drama but not the narrative. Fortunately, I'm not indulging in the drama - at least not yet - but I'm certainly not seeing the narrative. And when you don't see the narrative, you are lost. Secondly, there are too many narratives in my head. Some cross paths which makes for an even more complex decision making process. And at the back of my head I'm wondering whether I should even make any decisions, and maybe I should just be passive and let things happen - but then BKKB would jump up and down on my head and tell me that I may as well be dead.

But of course, the Government has phased out pennies...
But does this still hold if I choose not to make a decision? After all that is kind of making a decision, however passive no? And is there any point in being prudent if you end up sitting and drinking instant coffee? Which isn't to say that having a freshly ground and brewed coffee is any better - surely it's contextual. And what's more, is one ever satisfied? Can one ever be satisfied? Should one ever be satisfied? Does being satisfied equate to being dead? Right, I'm getting nowhere with this. So much for breathing and emptying the mind, this is just creating more doubt and questions in my head. I can see sleep for the night running for the hills with its blasted arse on fire. So I shall stop, go make some decisions - any decision - and then go hit my head on the wall hard so I forget. That or steal another praline.