Long Courrier

What curse lurks behind the inscrutable smile?
An interesting week - isn't it the Chinese who wish you an interesting life when they curse you? Anxieties over writing applications aside, and wondering what new machinations are afoot with respect to radiation doses (8 foot brick walls! Lead shields! Plastic Jigs (not the dancing kind)), there were two e-mails which made their way into my mailbox.

One was from DW who MH and I knew back in the summer of 1983 - we all dispersed our own ways after that summer, although MH and I reconnected in KCH when we were both back there - he stayed, I cabut.

The second was from back even longer . SL - who I last saw in May 1981 - also sent me an e-mail asking whether I was who I was/am. I was/am indeed and told them so. Now we shall see what happens. Equilibrium of sorts when the next paragraph what is forming in my mind is taken into consideration.

Red says, "I'll draw a line when I'm done in the sun"
HB was right when she said, 'a big baby', I have much less complimentary things to add to it - and even taking my irritation into account, and shaving off 50% of the aspersions cast, the big baby is still a loser. In the other case, it's not the quantity, nor the quality, but the sheer effrontery of the positioning that irks me. So as much as it annoys me, I'll now have to find some sand, make a sand box, draw a line in it then in several years turn it into some sort of pseudo-Zen garden. That's such a good idea. This is how one makes lemonade out of bitter, dessicated lemons.

Today, when I had to lie back on my bed to get my socks on - the back, you see will not permit to bend forwards anymore - which by Ria's standards must mean that I no longer have the love handles extra skin needed to bend forward - I knew that it was going to be one of those foggy days when everything is going to be an effort. So far, I've been proved right. But I'm making a start...of sorts.

The dishwasher (one of my bestest friends) is clean and shiny again - did you know that you had to wash the washer every now and again or it starts (according to Mr. Boo) to become funky? No funky machines in my shoebox will be tolerated. Then I also (finally) dug out the instruction manual for the washing machine and figured out where exactly the bleach goes, and when the bleach cycle actually takes place. I'm so pleased with myself that I feel like washing all my clothes again just to be sure they're clean of pollen what is making me sneeze up a storm.

Yesterday, the Greek, accompanied by the minor Greek philosopher, bore down on my and swept me off to the Homo Depot where the gardening stuff has come out. There, I compared prices with those at the Urban Garden (UG) and was very pleased to find that I had a choice to make. I'd budgeted a sum of money to spend on boxes and soil, based on the prices at the UG, but found that I could get the same items for less money, or spend the same amount and get more. I think it's clear what I did.

The boys check out the instructions for soil...
that there are instructions for soil boggles
the mind, but never mind...
Now I have two extra boxes - I know what to put in them, but am not so sure where I'm going to put the boxes. Be that as it may, that's a good problem to have, yes? yes? So today, I shall be planting, and planting always calms me down and when I calm down, I can forget about the two irritants what hit me this morning, and get on with all else that I want to do. It will also help me handle expectations better - it's a fact that expectations that sit close to the ground are closer to the truth, and I shall go about my business and let things unfold as they will. Must remember that there are many, many, many things in life that can't be controlled and that you waste energy and time trying to set things the way you want them. I must also remember 3 Friday ago when I forgot this and tried to manipulate things to my way and it all went pear-shaped (at least from my point of view), whereas had I just gone with the flow, things would have remained not pear-shaped (what is the opposite I wonder?).

Right then, off to be Candide, then back to the applications.

Sulking is best left to the experts
For my own sanity, action has to be taken. There I was being patronizing, telling someone - I don't remember who now - that life is short, that we have to seize the day and so forth, and yet here I am sitting around whingeing about FWP (that's First World Problems to you) that anybody else would love to have. So I must take action to get myself out of this rut I'm in. Part of it is the telescoping feel of writing applications and putting things into motion. You put so many feelers out, float so many ideas and proposals onto the blue seas of the future, but you have no idea what will come back, and in what form. Part of it is also the interminable back and forth of Spring weather - warm and sunny one day, then cool, wet and cloudy the next. Monica Dickens, great-grand daughter of Charles, wrote a book called the Winds of Heaven in which someone's life was blown about by the winds of life - here and there, to and fro - and how all the uncertainties and changes of life that beset one, like a wind constantly blowing in one's face is so unsettling. The main character had no control over what happened in her life, and had little choice but to take what came, and to deal with it.

The winds of Salt Pond Beach are not to be ignored
That's not the case with me and so I will make a concerted effort to stop reading the news, following the minute ups and downs of the several commercial concerns that have taken over my head, not worry overly about perfection, leave the advice from the Wise Woman of the West in the West for now, and generally best wish. The other thing I will stop doing is to re-read obsessively books that I've know by heart, and also let Agatha go except for what her mum said, "What a waste Agatha, what a waste to cry until you know for sure!". Substitute worry, be anxious, panic, get angry, plan alternatives or give up for cry, and you see what I mean. Such a wise woman, that Mrs. Christie (the mother that is, not Agatha). Basically, the idea is to disconnect from that which doesn't concern me and take part whole-heartedly in that which does concern me directly. That way, I won't regret the past, nor worry about the future, but be in the present which is where we really are at all times. Well, I'll try anyway which is better than what I'm doing at present.

Oh yeah, repeat after myself (*):

Biar sabar
Biar sabar
Mesti Biar sabar

Mesti. Biar. Sabar.

And it's alright if harapan tak jadi even if it's very makan tenagah lah.

(*) Sunday expectations more than met - exceeded. So easy when you set the bar low...