Integrity and Control

Hexcode chose to glitter and be gay
Today I can choose to be tired and cranky, or I can choose to glitter and be gay.

I hate waking up with new aches and pains. This time, it's the front of the hips - just for a change I suppose from having them ache at the sides. New sources of pain annoy me because they make my New Year Theme that much more difficult - remember, I was going to be pain-free this year - Not a good start so far.

Now where's that Mary Poppins soundtrack?

Today I also feel the first shreds of panic ripping through the gentle calm that is normally me. Yes, I can say this with a straight face - about the gentle calm that is me - It's the 28th and I have to strip 5 lines out of a one page document. These five lines are essential (or at least seem to be essential to our present states of mind) and so it will be difficult to choose which other essential five lines can be taken out. And now I remember exactly why I hate going through this exercise. It's the constant rewriting, tweaking words to save on space, and the agonizing over what to keep and what to toss, and trying to be as direct and simple as possible without talking down to your audience (because then you're deemed naive or patronizing), or intimidating them (because they'll then call you arrogant).

See through the red tape and simmer in silence
And we haven't even got to the red tape yet. That's when panic is subsumed by anger, irritation and frustration at the people who have no idea what's involved in meeting their demands - demands by the way which serve no earthly good at all. It's creation of work to justify their own existence.

On the other hand, I had my breakthrough moment yesterday on the other application. That's a relief because the writing didn't feel right, it felt forced and it didn't make sense, but I couldn't determine what exactly didn't make sense. Then I wrote in blue text against a grey background,  and it was suddenly clear what I should do.

That's no egg on the top, but a noggin.
And what I should do is to remove baths, insert needles in their place, shave layers away, shine bright lights and then immerse in collagenase IV in buffer and serum., and let the little beasts do as they will.

Okay, now that's sorted out, the trick is to rewrite that two lines so it sounds important and and technically detailed. You see how stupid this whole exercise is? Then when that's done, you rewrite it again so it's in two lines, but in polite, non-patronizing and respectful language. What a palaver.

So that's two sources of near-panic, but both things are under control, and really I shouldn't feel anxious over them. There are well-trodden steps that I have to go through to get them done.

There are other things causing me disquiet, but since these are tied into the grey skies seeping into my bones and spirit, or perhaps in a delusion of grandeur manner, the grey skies reflect what is in my soul and bones (I like this better - it makes me feel more like Cate Blanchette in LOTR), there's not a hell of a lot I can do. It comes down to ceding control - actually, that's a delusion in itself - the control part that is, the idea that you even have control to cede.

Armed with q-tips, charge with integrity.
The fact is that the stuff causing anxiety, disquiet and near-panic etc is out of my control. I can't influence the outcome one way or another. In all cases (is that true? Yes, probably quite true) it'll come down to how loudly the voices at the table speak, and how much they buy into the idea and ideal that is me.

All of which is a ridiculously complex way of saying that I should focus on doing what I can do, draw the line, let go of what I have no control over, and let the cards play out as they will. The thing is, if I do anything more than I'm supposed to, and the outcome favours me as a result, I'd feel guilty.

This is what it means to be honourable, and to have integrity - and that is to do the right thing even when nobody is watching.

Bah.