In which I shouted into the winds of fate, "Make like a bird and Flock OFF!"
The avian situation around my present place is becoming unbearable. First it was the seagulls and their young - how Jonathan Livingston Seagull ever became so popular I'll never understand - Poop and feathers deposited everywhere accompanied by anguished squawks as the young flop all over the place. They don't just get up and fly you know, they fall over and squawk often and loudly. Feckers.
Then the crows would sit on Lorna's tree and screech at nothing in particular. More recently, they've come to perch on my railing and screech at me. Not that it'll do them much good. Why don't they screech at squirrels instead?
Yesterday two blue jays, aggressive little feckers who swoop around and stab at things with their nasty sharp beaks making horrible guttural and wholly unnatural sounds with their throats. One had the temerity to fly into my apartment, bang his head against a window then pooped on my floor at the shock. He's lucky he found his way out before I got to my trusty swifter duster and had at him.
Today - two Canada Geese landed on the neighbouring building and looked greedily at the little patches of reluctant greenery on my patio. The green has been reluctant because it's quite cool until just recently. I know they're after my fresh new leaves, the brown and black (why - aren't those the colours of Mussolini? As that how you spell it ML?) feckers. I see I shall have to scatter ground glass around to foil them.
Hmmmm....foil and butter and then baked in the oven. We may well have blackbird pie yet....
The poop and feathers aside, it's the calling to each other in the early morning that annoys me the most. How is one expected to maintain a peaceful and content demeanour when forced to wake up early because of most unmusical squawks, nasty guttural sounds and screeches?
Feathered Feckers. Flock Off. Just. Flock. Off.
Today, the two million dollar machine ground to a halt. Literally. That this happened during the third of scan of a planned 22 over the next few days was to say the least FECKING ANNOYING. However, I was surprisingly calm and told AL to get busy, then shrugged my much put upon shoulders when SV came wailing to me upon hearing the news.
No wonder my shoulders hurt. My head hurts too.
So fortunate (I think) that I have an appointment with the needle-happy TM who will likely rub his hands with glee upon hearing my latest physical ailments. He will be pleased to hear that I have a new problem. He will say, "How kind of you to share your latest achey joint with me - nothing a few needles poked into the right places won't cure", and I shall cringe. Yuck. But it will be well worth it for he will make the pain go away, but as he also says, "You can't get rid of pain without causing more pain initially" all the while using you as a pincushion. However, between you and me, I will not be telling him my head hurts for I don't need needles poked into it. Rather the contrary in fact, I'd much rather have needles poking out of my head so I can poke them into the people who annoy me.
As some of you know, I was recently in warm, azure waters. It was thoroughly enjoyable and I look forward to going back sooner rather than later. I had a small entourage of two during that time, and they behaved well at first, but then started throwing tantrums as we left. This will be shared pictorially in a day or two when they've returned from Coventry where they were sent by their colleagues who were green with envy. However, the democratic process was used from the start so there should be no complaints, I told them lest you be labelled
Alas, I'm no longer in azure waters and returned to earth with a bump leaving the adorable D with an even more adorable laugh behind where he's doubtlessly drinking himself to shrivelled liver, but alas not because of my absence. Goodness, as I said to the local vacuum, DWA, I felt like it was a puppy labrador I should have adopted. Pets you know, they calm one's blood pressure down - maybe that's why ML and DWE go through so many pets. You do, you know. Is your blood pressure low?
Now I shall go have some cajun peach jam (that is to say, burnt) with yoghurt and repair to bed to repair my body tissue before TM pokes needles into me.
That is all.